


Want You

by calie15



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (brief hydra jemma simmons), Angst, Brainwashing, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, Guilt, Hydra (Marvel), Hydra Jemma Simmons, Love Confessions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Rescue Missions, Sex, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-11 18:13:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7064782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calie15/pseuds/calie15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky never knew her name, but he remembers her body and how pale and frail it was. She hadn't seen sun in years he could tell, but he can tell she's beautiful. He's a little to rough, but part of him doesn't care and neither does she.</p><p>It happens only a hand full of times, and then it's all gone to hell.</p><p>Now that he's safe he tells Steve. "I need to find her."</p><p>Steve nods and says in a firm voice, "We will."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky has a lot of stories, but he only tells one, because he needs to. 

There's a tugging that begins at the empty space, the beginning of humanity returning. It makes him weak and more easily swayed. 

There's a woman. He sees her twice when he's woken. She's sweet and has gentle hands. She cries once, and quickly hides it.

Bucky never knew her name, but he remembers her body and how pale and frail it was. She hadn't seen sun in years he could tell, but he can tell she's beautiful. He's a little to rough, but part of him doesn't care and neither does she.

It happens only a hand full of times, and then it's all gone to hell.

Now that he's safe he tells Steve. "I need to find her."

Steve nods and says in a firm voice, "We will."

Finding her isn't easy. It takes raiding HYDRA bases and digging up information.

When he finally finds her he breaks off a cell door and she looks just like he remembers, but she's pressed against a wall, afraid of him. "You know me."

Her eyes flicker over him. "You're a traitor," she says in disgust, "that's all I know of you. A broken soldier."

Bucky moves into the room with a glare.

"Don't touch me!" She screams and backs up.

They wiped her. He stares dumbfounded for a moment. Bucky wanted her back, above all to give her a life, but they'd taken everything.

He had no time to drown in regrets or sorrows. He moved forward, ignoring her protests, and threw her over his shoulder.

"Let go!" She screamed and hit his back, but Bucky ignored her.

"Need help?" Wanda asked as she came down the hallway.

"Please," Bucky said. Wanda reached a glowing hand out and suddenly the woman over his shoulder was silent and still. Bucky sighed in relief and tugged on her legs. She came limply down his chest and he caught her, cradling her against his chest. Bucky frowned.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked as they joined them. 

"They wiped her, she doesn't remember."  
\-----------

Let it come back naturally they said. She'll remember in time. That meant keeping her locked away. That meant making sure there was nothing she could do to anyone or herself. 

Not that Bucky was worried about her hurting him.

He sat in the corner watching her. "What are you reading?"

"A book," she said dismissively. 

He knew that of course, but he supposed he should be grateful she responded, which was an improvement.

She slammed the cover and turned from the desk to face him. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to remember?"

"Why?"

That was a loaded question. "Because I care about what happens to you." Because she was the one good thing he remembered, because he still had feelings for her and he wasn't willing to give up on those until she walked away from him as he remembered her.'

"I didn't ask you to care. I want to be left alone, I-."

"Kept by HYDRA?!" He snapped angrily and stood. "Forced to do what they want? Have your memories taken from you? Why would they do that?!"

She stood with angry tears in her eyes. "Get out."

Bucky didn't move.

"I hate you! Get out!"

That time Bucky complied, his face cool and detached. He closed the door behind him and watched her through the glass just collapse into the bed and cry.  
\----------

Bucky stays away a week. Doctors orders. He's making her upset.

When Bucky does come back she's curled in her bed and doesn't turn to face him. His hands want to reach for her, he wants to fix her, but he doesn't.

"I have something for you." Sh doesn't move and makes no response. Bucky sets the books onto the table. As soon as the doctors told him that they thought her memories were beginning to return he bought them. "When I started to remember it was chaotic. Just places, smells, sounds, temperature." The first time he remembered her it was her skin. "I wrote it down, just in case I forgot again, and to help me piece the memories together."

She still didn't move or acknowledge him. But the next day the books were near her bed.  
\----------

He's gone for weeks on a mission overseas, but he checks in everyday, nervous that somehow being away from her might cause her to disappear.

Bucky and Steve are camped behind a building, sitting on the ground and waiting, Steve's shield on the ground and a gun hanging from Bucky's hand between his knees.

"I want to fix her, but I know I can't," Bucky says breaking the silence.

"You know that better then anyone," Steve added.

Bucky nodded.

"Look, it is her. She didn't have stuff put into her head like you. She's the same person, but she's scared and all she knows is she's being kept prisoner.

Bucky turns to Steve, an idea forming. "Maybe she shouldn't be."  
\--------

When Bucky gets back he is very forceful about his intent. He won't be swayed.

He finds her this time combing wet hair and checking her reflection in the mirror.

"I thought you'd given up," she says and watches him in the reflection.

"I was detained. Come on," he says and holds the door open for her.

"Why?" She asks, a suspicious look in her eye.

"No tricks. You aren't meant to be a prisoner. You just need to remember first."

She slips on some shoes and follows him through the complex. She stays close to his side, but keeps some distance. The first place he heads to is outside.

There's acres upon acres of green space, and Bucky doesn't know the last time she's been outside. He stays silent and lets her walk slowly out. He watches her arms cross in front of her hunched form. 

"I want to go back to my room," she says softly.

"What?" Bucky asks confused.

"I want to go back," she repeats and this time turns to face him, tears in her eyes. "Please."

Bucky folds under her plea and nods, leading her back silently. He says nothing when she crawls into her bed and faces away from him.

"There's other things to see, you don't have to stay in here."  
\-----------------------

She doesn't always want to leave her room, but she does sometimes, and he starts just letting her lead the way. 

There'a a laboratory she lingers at, she taps her fingers against the glass but says nothing. She ventures outside again and says nothing.

She accepts his company without complaint. He teaches her to play a card game and she smiles when she wins, and when he asks what she's writing she hands him an equation. She laughs when he hands it back with a shake of his head.

She asks him to bring her to places and he complies and when she asks him to stay and eat with her his heart might skip a beat but he only nods.

But she never says she knows him.

It's going well until Wanda's on the phone with.

"SHIELDS's coming. The woman. She worked for SHIELD. They want to take her back in. Tony said because it's a government agency we have no choice."

Bucky speeds in on his bike and the scene he finds is worse than expected.

There's Wanda, the only one there, holding off the doctors and agents from taking her from him.

"I'm not going!" She screams. "Where's Bucky?"

"He's coming," Wanda responds and her hands are glowing.

It's the first time she's said his name he realize, but he doesn't have time to dwell on it. Bucky pulls his gun as he walks into the doorway and aims. "Move back, now."

If the tension was high before, it's on the verge of exploding now. They step out of his way and he slowly backs into the room, putting his back to her and Wanda. "What the hell is going on?"

"SHIELD will be taking in Ms. Simmons. As a former agent she is required-."

"That pea brained doctor called them," she snapped angrily. "I told him I remembered working for SHIELD."

It made so much more sense now. Why she had been so different from the other HYDRA agents, why she had been a prisoner.

"You're not taking her anywhere," he said firmly. "You don't have enough manpower to take me down."

"Jemma."

Another person walked in, a man, younger then Bucky, with an accent he couldn't place just yet. There's a sharp inhale at his side and he looks over to see her step forward, pain clear on her face. "Jemma?" Bucky asks and she looks up at him and nodded.

"Alright, at ease," came Steve's voice.

"Weapons down," came another. Through the doorway came Steve and a balding man.

"Jemma," said the man, a small smile on his face.

"Sir," she whispered.

Bucky started to lower his weapon, but Jemma suddenly stepped closer and he felt her hand curl around the back of his shirt, and for a moment he froze, gun still strained.

"Bucky." Steve said firmly. Bucky slowly lowered his weapon. "Alright, why don't we all step out and discuss this calmly. You to Buck."

They started filing out and Steve looked at him expectantly. "I'll be there in a minute. Wanda," Bucky called and she turned. He nodded his head back, signaling her to stay. Then he turned to face the woman, no, Jemma. "What do you remember?"

She looked nervously up at him. "Almost everything."

"And me?"

"Yes."

Bucky breathed out a sigh of relief and without even thinking wrapped his right hand around the back of her head and pulled her against him. "What do you want? I don't want you to go with them, but if that's what you-."

She shook her head and looked up, hands fisting his shirt. "I can't go back. Some of them mean well, but it's to much. I'm not that person."

"Okay," he whispered and looked down on her. "I'll take care of it. I promise."  
\--------------

Bucky listened and let Steve do the talking. He listened to doctors, to Steve, to Tony on speakerphone, to SHIELD agents. When Tony hung up there was silence.

"What does Jemma want?" Bucky asks.

"She's not in a position-."

"Don't tell me that!" Bucky said and slammed his fist on the table. "She's been held five years by HYDRA, threatened, had her mind wiped. I found her! Not you! If no one is going to respect her wishes then you're going to respect mine. As long as she wants to remain here I'm not letting her go."  
\-------------

Bucky shows back up at Jemma’s room and thanks Wanda. He's careful to keep his distance and sits at the table. "SHIELD relented, but they'll be checking up on you. There were some people that wanted to see you, but I thought it might not have been a good idea. If I'm wrong I can always go back and-."

"It's fine. I'm not ready."

Then silence. "Why didn't you tell me you know?" He asked finally.

Jemma shrugged and look down. "It was easier to pretend I was ignorant. I wasn't ready to talk about it.."

At that statement he held his tongue. He wasn't going to force her to talk. Bucky leaned forward and propped his forearms on his knees. "What happened?"

She drew in a shaky breath and released it, then pulled her legs onto the bed and crossed them. "They wiped me, I was being 'difficult' they said. And...they knew. I think it was partly out of spite because they'd lost you."

Jemma’d confirmed what he'd suspected and he dropped his head in guilt. It wasn't right that she suffered. He knew she had been a good person.

"What happened to you?"

Bucky looked up and pushed off his knees. "I ran, for as long as I could. I would have come back, but..."

"No," Jemma shook her head. "If they could have gotten their hands on you they would never have let go again."

That was the truth, he could barely take care of himself back then. "Things were bad and when Steve found me they were even worse." There was silence and then Bucky took a deep breath and stood. "Come on, I have something for you." Wide brown eyes turned up to look at him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments please. I feed off of them. Next chalpter is already written, just needs to be updated.

Bucky opened the door and stepped in, holding it open behind him.

Jemma followed and looked around, going to stand at the window that overlooked the large pond. Then she turned. "What's this?"

"You don't deserve to be in a cell. You've been there to long. It was just to hold you until your memories started to return. Tony still thinks you aren't trust worthy and he wanted me to assure you that this place is a fortress."

Jemma rolled her eyes and turned to look around. "As if I have anywhere to go. I'm sure SHIELD considers me a security risk."

"You and me both," Bucky said with a frown. She smiled as she made her way to the bathroom. Eventually, she turned back to face him. "Are you responsible for this?"

Yes, I just want to see you happy, but he said nothing.

"Thank you."  
\----------

What Bucky didn't tell Jemma was that he'd be keeping an eye on her. He wouldn't be invading her privacy, but he'd be kept abreast of certain things through Friday. In this case her bedroom door opening in the middle of the night.

At first Bucky waited instead of chasing after her. Then he stood, grabbed a shirt, and pulled it over his head and went in search of her. Everything was dark, but the sound of rain coming through a door that alerted him. Bucky stayed cautious, as always, and came to the sliding door. As he stepped out the lights remained off, but he could see her in the darkness, sitting in a outside chair with her legs pulled up and holding them tight.

Bucky walked forward slowly, “Jemma.” It was the first time he’d said her name. A name he had never known.

She drew in a breath deeply and shook her head. "I'm fine."

But when he came around she wiped her eyes and he knew she wasn’t.

"Bucky," she cried and pressed her forehead to her knees to hide her face, "just leave me alone, please."

He frowned and squatted in front of her. "There isn't a chance in hell of that happening."

"It was the thunder and lightening."

Bucky frowned. "I know." It woke him too, but he'd learned to deal with it in time. He reached out a hand and slid his fingers over her forearm. "Your wet, come on." He grasped her fingers and tried to tug, but she pulled it back and shook her head. "You're not staying out her crying and getting soaked." She made a hiccuped sob and Bucky stood partially to slide his arms beneath her knees and back before lifting her. 

When he made it to her room he set her on the side of the bed and went to quickly grab a towel. She remained still as he draped it over her shoulders and rubbed her arms. "Clothes?"

"Top drawer," she whispered, her hair damp and hanging in her face.

Bucky silently cursed as he had to flip through woman's pajamas to find her something respectable. Mission accomplished, he walked towards the bed and she stood, grabbing the hem of her shirt and yanking it up. Bucky caught one quick look at her bare breasts and hard nipples before he turned. "You could have warned me."

"You've seen it."

"The circumstances are different Jemma." But he did remember her breasts. He'd been to rough then, squeezing and pinching and pulling. Listening to her cry out as he bit down. The memory was enough to send blood rushing to his groin.

"I'm decent," Jemma said after a moment.

Bucky turned slowly and relaxed. 

"You're different,” she said softly, her eyes holding his.

"How?"

"You were so angry," she spoke and her eyes traveled over him. 

"I'm not just that person anymore," he responded. 

Her eyes studied him and she looked thoughtful for a moment. "I like what you've grown into."

Bucky swallowed at her praise and fought to hold himself back. "You should get back to bed," he said instead and broke eye contact.

"Can you stay?"

Bucky looked back at her sharply. "What?"

"The night," she clarified.

He wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but he wouldn't say no. He couldn’t. It was Jemma, and all he did was want her back. "Okay." Bucky went by her queue's. Jemma brought her body close to his in bed, and in response he wrapped and arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him. Cool legs wound between his and she sighed against his chest.

"Be here in the morning," Jemma demanded softly.

"I'm not going anywhere."  
\---------

Bucky woke to Jemma half sprawled over him and her head on his chest. He sighed quietly and slid his hand over her back, hesitant too move much in case he disturb her. He'd suffered to long and worked hard to get her back, or some semblance of her back. 

Bucky wasn't perfect, but he was getting better. He had almost everything he could want except Jemma. 

At some point she moved and looked up at him. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hi." He responded and then she sighed sighed softly and shifted closer. Bucky tightened his arm around her and pressed a kissed to her hair, the first time his lips had made contact with her in years.

"Sir." 

Bucky sighed in annoyance. "Yea?"

"Natasha Romonaff is here to see you."

"The Black Widow?" Jemma asked and looked up at him in confusion.

SHIELD, of course Jemma would know know the name. What was he supposed to say about Natasha? We had sex a few times when I was a mess and you were brainwashed and held by HYDRA. The thought of that explanation made him feel a little sick. Things with Natasha ended quickly though. The entire time he'd been with Natasha pieces of memories of Natasha haunted him.

"Why don't you stay here," he said and slid out from beneath her. Bucky was already off the bed when she spoke.

"Why?"

With a reluctant sigh he turned and he knew the reason was plane as day on his face.

"You're with her," she whispered, hurt evident on her face.

"No." Bucky came back to the bed and grabbed her hand when she tried to pull back. "It happened way back when I first found Steve. I was still a mess. It was over within a month. There's only you," he said without thinking. It hadn't been his intent to tell her that he still wanted her, but it was out there, and there was no taking it back. Which maybe it was better if she knew, he wouldn't push though, he'd wait until she was ready.

"It's fine." She breathed deeply as if trying to calm herself. He still looked concerned. "It is." And then she offered him a small smile and squeezed his hand

Bucky tried to be comforted by her words. "Let me go down first. Get dressed or not. Just give me like ten minutes. Okay?"

"Are you sure?" Jemma asked. 

"Yea, it's fine."  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky found Natasha sitting patiently on a sofa, leaning back, and legs crossed. 

"You've been busy."

Bucky didn't respond. He sat on the sofa across from her. "Did SHIELD send you?"

Natasha paused for a beat. "No, Phil did. He's a friend. He's concerned about her. And your penchant for violence."

"There was no violence, I made a threat."

Natasha frowned and uncrossed her legs to lean forward. "I told Phil you meant her no harm. Now make me believe I meant that and tell me what is going on. I asked Steve, and he told me to ask you."

Bucky didn't want to talk about it, but it had to be done. He needed as many people on his side ask possible. If Jemma wanted to stay he wasn't giving her up, to anyone. "HYDRA had Jemma when I was the Winter Soldier. I came in contact with her twice. The second time was when HYDRa fell and my conditioning was breaking down and I was...more human is too much strong of a word, I can't explain it." Natasha waited silently and Bucky looked away with a sigh of frustration. He wasn't going to get into details of his sexual affair with Jemma. "Look," he said again, "I got close to her, too close. They wiped me and I had forgotten her. It took me to long to remember her, and by the time I was capable of finding her, a couple of months ago, I find her locked away by HYDRA and brainwashed. It's taken me two months to get her back to something that resembles her former self." Bucky paused. "And now SHIELD wants to take her."

"They want to help her," Natasha pointed out gently.

"She doesn't want to go," he argued.

"Because of you," Natasha said. "Is that a good thing Bucky?"

"So what?" He snapped more harshly then he meant to. Natasha only raised an eyebrow. "All I want is for her to remember, if she wants to be with me fine, if not then she will be free to go." They sat in silence for a moment and then there were footsteps. Bucky looked up and immediately felt anxious for Jemma under Natasha's pointed gaze. Jemma had changed into something comfortable, but it wasn't pajamas, and her hair was pulled back neatly. 

Natasha stood and held out her hand. "I'm Natasha."

"Jemma," she said and took her hand. "I know who you are."

Natasha offered a warm smile and sat back down.

Bucky's eyes followed Jemma until she was seated next to him on the sofa. He put his left arm arm over the back of it behind her and waited.

"Look, this is unofficial. I don't work for SHIELD anymore. Phil just wants to know he made the right choice. As long as you're getting the care you need here, and comfortable, we shouldn't have a problem."

"I'm glad you think so," Jemma started, "but how long will SHIELD leave me alone?"

"Hard to say. But I think at some point they will want to talk to you. You were a part of SHIELD when HYDRA took you hostage."

"I'd just barely been out of the academy," Jemma pointed out.

“It’s only something to keep in mind,” Natasha responded.

Jemma looked away for a moment then stood.

Bucky snagged her hand and when she looked back he could see anxiousness in her face. "What is it?"

"I don't belong to SHIELD," she said in a strained voice that hinted at the tears she was fighting. 

Bucky felt her tug her hand and he tightened his. "I know that." When he loosened his hands her fingers slid through his.

"It was nice to meet you," Jemma said softly without look. "Please tell Phil and Fitz that I am fine."

Bucky watched Jemma walk away.

"You can't protect her from everything."

Bucky turned to Natasha. "I know that."

"Do you?" Natasha asked then frowned sadly. "Bucky, I feel for her, I do. But you first hand know what it's like reintegrating back into the world. Their worried she's still HYDRA."

"They can go to hell," he snapped.

Natasha rolled her eyes and stood. "Look, I asked Phil to make me the middle person. If it gets to the point where they want to interrogate her I'll make sure it's here, somewhere she feels safe."

"Thanks." She offered him a soft smile and walked to towards the door, but stopped first and turned.

"Bucky, be careful. It's dangerous for people like us to fall in love."

He blinked and nodded almost shakily, unsure how to even respond. Except as the words sunk in he knew what she said shouldn't have been a surprise for him. Would he really be this deep if he wasn't in love with Jemma or almost there?

With a sigh, and a determination to push thoughts of love out of his head, Bucky stood and made his way to her room. When he knocked she called through the door for him to come in.

Bucky found her on her bed, sitting crosslegged and staring at the window.

"When we were together," Jemma started, "you were always angry. Why?"

Bucky stared for a moment, taken aback by her question. "I was still loyal enough to HYDRA to know feelings were wrong. I was angry I felt them. I'm sorry."

"It's of no consequence," she replied softly. "You weren't cruel or hurtful. And I knew what I'd gotten myself into. 

There was to much drama over the past couple of days and Bucky had to get her mind off of it. "Come on, we haven't eaten yet. Then I'm going to introduce you to the gym. I could break you in half." She was frail, having spent years without exercise or a proper diet.

Jemma groaned and stood. "I despise physical exertion. Besides, you breaking a person in half is hardly a testament to how fit they are.

"You'll feel better," he stated as he closed the door behind them.

"I doubt it," she said with a pout.  
\--------------

Some nights she crawls into bed with him. The first night is a shock. She stutters her excuse and he shushes her to pull her into bed. Jemma always goes into his embrace willingly and he holds her tight against his body where she finally settles.

But one night he wakes with a gasp and sits up. He's burning up, yanks his shirt off, and throws it to the side. Then a hand touches his back and immediately he turns to snatch the wrist and stares at the intruder.

"Bucky?"

Bucky.

"Hey, it's fine," she whispers. "Just sit for a moment and wait for to come back to you."

She doesn't move, doesn't tug her wrist from his grip. She's immobile and at his mercy. She is not a threat. Then suddenly he remembers. "Jemma." And she smiles.

Bucky inhales sharply and releases it shakily as he realizes what he's done. Quickly, he release her wrist. "I'm sorry, I-."

"It's okay," she soothes and presses her hand to his shoulder blade.

Bucky takes another deep breath and falls back into the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes.

"How often does that happen?"

"Not often once everything HYDRA did was gone, but sometimes...it feels like him."

She moves from the bed and Bucky doesn't look. He doesn't think she's leaving, but he has this irrational fear that she is. When he hears her in the bathroom though he settles. Eventually, she comes back, the bed moves, and something cold touches his neck. "You don't have to take care of me."

"You've been taking care of me. Besides, I am more than familiar with what you've gone through. Your temperature would spike every time."

Bucky doesn't fight her as she wipes his neck and chest. She goes back to the bathroom and comes back again. This time though she pulls at the arms over his face and he lets her. It's at the first feel of the cold towel on his cheek that he opens his eyes and she smiles down at him. "This feels like before."

"It does. Although with less of a cold, deadly stare." The smile reaches her eyes.

Bucky slides his hand up her back and as she leans over him to reach across the other side of his face he wrapped his hand around her wrist to still her. Wide eyes meet his and he tugs the towel from her hands and drops it to the side. With his hand free he brings it up to slide over her cheek and then into her hair. She comes slowly at first, and when she hesitates just inches away Bucky lifts his head and kisses her.

He makes every effort to restrain himself. Bucky kisses her lightly, her lips full, soft, and familiar. He lingers with one more kiss, longer then the others, and pulls away to open his eyes and looks into hers. "Okay?"

"Yea," she whispers with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky doesn't push after that. The morning after she's gone from his room when he feigns sleep, but that isn't unusual, so he thinks nothing of it. 

He figures it's best to go as slow as possible, because making a mistake and rushing Jemma, chasing her away in the process, was the last thing he wanted.

Except she says nothing of it. She's absent half of the day with the usual doctor appointments, and the other half he's not crawling into bed until late at night.

The next day when he talks to her it's like nothing happened. She's fidgety and nervous, and barely meets his eyes. So Bucky gives her space. 

Two more nights go by and he still doesn't see her, and Bucky would swear she's pulling away from him. 

On the fourth day he leaves without a word to her, because he sees what she wants and he's not sure what he could say. He jumps at the chance to take down a HYDRA operation when Natasha offers. It's a damn relief to beat the shit out of people and he's fucking thrilled when they make him shoot them.

But at the end of it all he boards the quinjet still in a shitty mood, straps in, and keeps his silence.

"You know, I'm all about efficiency, but you were in rare form today." Natasha says once they are in the air. She pauses, as if waiting for a response, but gets non and continues. "Want to talk about it?"

Bucky doesn't, so he stays silent.

"How is Jemma?"

He tries to keep his face void, but he knows that she'll see the slight clench of his jaw, even if his silence wasn't answer enough.

"Ah," she responds in realization. "So does this have to do with her recovery or more personal matters."

Again, silence speaks volumes. "Drop it," he says. But even that is a tell-tale sign, because both he and Natasha know that if it was her recovery he wouldn't be as reluctant to speak and she would also likely know about any concerns.

For a while, there's silence, and Bucky hopes she compile with his demand, but he should know better.

"Look, I get wanting to keep your business to yourself, and considering our past perhaps it's a bit strange, but as a woman, which I am by the way, I can tell right now that if you don't talk about whatever this is, figure it out, then it won't get any better."

Bucky still doesn't say anything, because it feels to much like exposing himself, and he can’t abide that.

"Bucky, you're just not that great with feelings, let’s be honest. You shut down. If you don't decide to work through this then you're screwing up any chance you have. Sometimes, you have to go outside your comfort zone, especially when it comes to people you care about."

Bucky hated her for being right. "I kissed her." Bucky glanced out the side of his eye, Natasha didn't say anything, nor did she react. She was waiting. "Four days ago. It was fine, and then it wasn't. She avoids me, acts weird when I'm around. She can barely meet my eye."

"Did you talk to her?"

"No."

"Why?"

Now Bucky wanted to fidget, and he didn't fidget. "I was trying to give her space, I didn't want to push."

Natasha switched the jet to autopilot and turned. "Okay, let's admit one thing. Do you ever remember having a healthy, solid relationship with a woman?” Natasha didn’t wait for a response. “No, you haven't. Now, while I haven't had many either, I think I probably have better insight then you. Why the hell would you think she would be comfortable about the fact that you didn't even mention anything? You didn't even ask what's wrong."

"She didn't say anything either," he pointed out.

"Bucky, the woman just got her brain back months ago. She'd been imprisoned by HYDRA when she wasn’t even old enough to drink. Before she was taken her time spent excelling academically. She had two PhD's by the time she was eighteen. And the last relationship she had was with a cold, emotionally unavailable HYDRA assassin. I applaud your attempt to not push, but you're going to have to step it up here and do more of the work. I'd wager she's scared and unsure."

Bucky turned away and stared ahead, the truth of Natasha's words almost smothering him. He'd expected a normal reaction from a normal woman, when the fact was that they were both abnormal. 

"And I can only imagine what she thinks now that you've likely been giving her the silent treatment."

"It wasn't on purpose. I thought she didn't want to see me,” he admitted. And he'd been hurt. He’d acted like a wounded animal running off to lick his wounds.

Natasha sighed and looked at him with pity. "I can't believe that's the case. I know it's out of the ordinary for you to be the sane one here," he threw her an annoyed glare which she ignored, "but you're going to have to. That means going to her and being honest. No more avoiding."  
\----------

Bucky’s usually meticulous about cleaning and locking away weapons. This time he spends only the time necessary to secure them and then he's heading to his room to wash the dirt and death away. It's just past nine at night when he finds himself at Jemma's door, his hair still wet, and he knocks.

"Who is it?"

"Me."

Bucky can almost picture her frozen for a moments, then he hears movement. When the door opens she's dressed for bed, but there's no smile on her face, not even a hint. In facf, she's oddly detached. "Can I come in?"

"Yea," she says with a nod and moves to let him in. Usually she might have moved to make herself comfortable, this time she shuts the door, stands, and waits.

Bucky frowns in response. He'd hoped she might have been more receiving of him, it might have made things easier. 

"Are we having a talk?" She finally asked.

Bucky sighed, unsure how to even proceed, even when she asked. At his lack of response she turned and went to her bed, sitting on the side and crossing her legs atop it.

"Was I wrong?" Bucky asked and she looked up at him in confusion. "When I kissed you, was I wrong?"

"Where you?" She asked.

Bucky resisted the urge to get annoyed. Getting angry was the last thing he wanted, but the situation was infuriating. "You won't talk to me, you avoid me, when we do talk you barely look me in the eye."

"Bucky, you...you didn't say anything about it! You just you...you went about the day as if nothing happened, usually after my appointment you ask me how they went, and you didn't. So I just let you be. But you barely spoke to me. Then yesterday you just take off!" She exclaimed this time and threw her hand out. "I supposed you don't need to keep me abreast of your schedule, but you had been up to this point. Even from the beginning you told me that you wanted me to know where you were in case I needed you. Not to mention the past couple of days you have been so distant, almost cold, you weren't exactly approachable." Jemma drew in a deep breath after her rant and looked up into his impassive face. "Why would you even kiss me if you were going to react like this?"

"That wasn't it."

"No?" She asked with raised eyebrows. "Considering how hurtful your attitude has been then I would say yes it was a mistake." Jemma looked up at him with eyes beginning to shine. "That isn't what I want to say, but-."

"Alright, stop, stop," he interrupted. Natasha was right, the entire thing had been butchered because neither one of them knew what the fuck to do. Bucky blew out a breath and tried to figure out how to repair this.

"I'm sorry, I-."

"Stop," he said again. Bucky went and grabbed a chair and swung it around in front of her. He took a seat and leaned forward, forearms on his knees. He was close enough that his knuckles just brushed her bed. "I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to react that way. I misinterpreted you. I thought I was giving you space because you needed it."

"I didn't ask for space," she whispered. "Bucky," she sighed and looked away, then finally turned back to him, "if I wanted space I wouldn't be in your bed every night. Except all of a sudden you're no where to be found, and I assumed you didn't want me there or to discuss what happened."

"You're wrong," he told her firmly. "Nothings changed."

Jemma stared at him for a brief moment and she licked her lips and bit the bottom one. "Than can you kiss me?"

There was a moment where he almost didn't think she really said it. Then he leaned forward and slid his hand into her hair, claiming her lips without hesitation. When her arms go around his neck and she tugs him closer Bucky doesn't hesitate in leaning into her and slipping his tongue past her lips. Bucky kisses her like he wants to and doesn't hold back. He props one hand on the bed for better purchase, but she raises onto her knees, never once breaking the kiss.

To be honest, Bucky was fine with just a kiss, at first. But when she moves backward on her knees, pulling him with her, he knows he wants more. Bucky wraps his arm tightly around her waist and pulls her flush against him as he leans over her, pulling her off her knees and setting her on her back as he moves onto the bed and between her legs. 

It's been two fucking years since he'd even kissed her like this. Or at least something like that. Most of his memories are more of a rushed coming together, and not a lot of kissing. Bucky knows he hadn't been affectionate with her. Kissing had been allowed because she wanted it, but he'd been intent on keeping it just physical, ignoring feelings. It had never been slow. If he fucked her she couldn't concentrate on soft touches, if he pinned her hands above her head she couldn't reach for him, and if she was biting her lip to muffle her screams she couldn't talk.

So Bucky didn't push, but he knew she needed to know that he did want her. He didn't shrug away from her touch this time, and he kissed her as slow and deeply as he could, keeping her body close to his. Bucky was pretty sure she had no idea how much he really wanted her. Natasha was right, he did love Jemma, and it would kill him if he lost her again.  
\-----------

He holds her against him, her back pressed against his chest. He thinks she's sleeping and then she yawns. "I'm sorry I left without telling you," he said when he realized she was awake, because it had been weighing on his conscious. Even when he'd left he had felt guilt, but he'd ignored it. He should never have done it in the first place. The likelihood that she would need him was low, but he couldn't help think of SHIELD and when they had attempted to take her in before and he wasn't there.

“It’s okay,” Jemma responded, her voice soft and tired.

“It’s not. If something had happened…”

“I still could have found you.”

Bucky knows it’s true, but he still feels like he failed her. He brought her there, under his protection. “It won’t happen again.” He had learned his lesson. Even if they did have a fight, disagreement, or misunderstanding, which was bound to happen, because no one was perfect, he would never again make the mistake of leaving her alone without warning.

“I know.”

Bucky pressed his lips against her throat, because he cared for her and as a thank you. She sighed and scooted backed into his embrace further. There weren’t many things he could do right, but when it came to Jemma he swore he would do is best to do everything right by her.


End file.
